ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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