This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize