Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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