Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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