I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
