I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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