Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
