i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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