No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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