Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
