upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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