I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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