Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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