i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
