does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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