Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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