her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
