I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
