I am puke
I will die if light touches me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
