I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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