Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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