I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
