Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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