trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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