Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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