Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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