I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
