i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
