My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
