Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
