I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
