I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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