I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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