I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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