I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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