my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
