I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
