That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
