saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize