you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
