I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
