Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
