I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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