Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
