I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I heard we made out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize