I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
