I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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