I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
