woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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