I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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