Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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