im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
