then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
