Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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