i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
