This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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