He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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