Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
