peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
