Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
