he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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