What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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