I wish I could punch you in the face.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
