wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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