I got chris browned last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
