i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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