So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
