i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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