How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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