my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
where does the pee come out of this thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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