I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
